The Hazard Chronicles

Rachel and I wear a lot of hats. Between family, careers, social groups, hobbies, and personal time, we are constantly monitoring the balance of our lives and making room for things. It can be exhausting at times, but I think we do a pretty good job. Actually, I usually think we do a really good job (if I may say so myself), and being able to move back and forth comfortably between these different spheres is something I take a little bit of pride in.

However…

Lest I become too comfortable, I was given an embarrassing reminder the other day that, as versatile as I may think I am, there are still some situations in which I am entirely, hopelessly, inept. And as much as it pains me to say it, one of these areas is in the realm of auto mechanics.

*****

So, I was driving the all-too-familiar route to Jack-in-the-Box when my check engine light goes on. I didn’t think too much of it at first, because, you know, the car’s immune system might just make it go away on its own, right? Well, believe it or not, that didn’t work. Two days later the light was still taunting me every time I got behind the wheel.

But how bad could this really be? Engine lights are sometimes finicky, and it wasn’t worth getting all up in a panic over nothing. So I drove to Auto Zone after work one day and asked if they could plug their “engine code reader” (that’s the official, technical term) into my car and tell me what was going on. They did, and then we walked back into the store to see the results. This is where the embarrassment starts.

“Well, it looks like your turbo encabulator has some sensor issues. All you need is a new flux capacitor and you’ll be good to go. Luckily, the part is only $28.”

Um…What? On the computer screen I was staring at a part that resembled a cross between a spark plug and a fancy laser pointer. Finally, not knowing what else to say, I managed to grunt, stupidly, “Oh.”

I was going for an inflection that gave off confidence. You know, the “Oh…of course! Silly me- I should have thought of that!” kind of impression. I’m afraid I didn’t pull it off. Rather, I’m sure that what the guy heard was a much more accurate “Oh…I’m standing here in a sport coat and tie and I still think that cars work by magic because that’s the only thing that actually makes sense.”

We stood there for several more seconds of awkward silence until it dawned on me that I was actually at an auto parts store. Most customers at this point would consider themselves lucky to be able to fix their own car for less than thirty bucks and would inquire about getting the part. I, on the other hand, was at a complete loss.

“Is it hard?” I asked.

He just looked at me quizzically. Or was that disdain? I couldn’t tell.

I tried again. “Um. The repair, I mean. Is it difficult?”

His look told me all I needed to know. This was the type of repair that girl scouts do to earn pins or badges or whatever. “Nope. Not difficult at all. Just one screw on the hyperdrive, remove the gravity compensator, and then attach your part. Reassemble everything and close ‘er up. Easy peasy. Take ya’ 15 minutes.”

“Riiight. You know, I’m getting an oil change pretty soon and, you know, since it’s so easy and everything, I think I’ll just, uh, let them take care of it then. Thanks for all of your help.”

“You sure? They’re gonna charge you at least a hundred.” He was shaking his head now with the same look one might give a puppy who had just puddled on the carpet.

 “Uh, yeah. Really, it’s no big deal.” Just put me out of my misery and let me go.

“Suit yourself man.”

As I walked out of the store, I heard the sound of a giant rubber stamp slamming down onto my man card. REVOKED.

Whatever.

I walked back to my car and thought about my experience all the way home. I felt ashamed, even though I couldn’t say why. After all, the idea that guys and cars automatically go together is far too passé for me to get worked up over- right?

The funny thing? As I pulled into the garage, I noticed that the engine light was gone. That’s weird. It's been several days now and it hasn’t come on again since then. 

Stupid car.

Maybe the immune system finally kicked in after all. What did that guy know anyway?

*****

As far as our week goes, things were pretty standard for us. I went climbing a couple of times. The family went swimming. Rachel put about 500 miles on her bike. Evelyn had a sleepover in the backyard with her friends.

Unfortunately, we don't have any pictures of any of these things.

The one we do have is our weekly date night.

I feel like we are Broadway junkies. Dirty Dancing did not disappoint. Say what you will about social stereotypes and revoked man-cards, but I really like musical theater. It was a fun evening.

*****

Have a good week!