The Hazard Chronicles

For today’s blog post I want to do a review of our vacuum cleaner. I know this sounds dull, but any family with young kids knows that the vacuum cleaner is an important- no, an essential- appliance to have around the home. And besides, telling about our vacuum cleaner is the silver lining to a certain ‘incident’ that happened this week.

We chose our vacuum based on Amazon reviews and the reasonable sticker price. We bought it hoping that it lived up to all that was said about it, because we have a carpeted dining room and 4 messy kids. After having it a couple of years, I can confidently say that it has proven itself time and time again. Whether it is lettuce, soggy mini-wheats, spilled flour, or rubbed-in pieces of play-dough, our vacuum has done a supreme job of keeping our dining room (mostly) presentable.

But that was all just warm-up. That was the easy stuff. Yesterday, our little Hoover survived the real test. The test of the “food-storage massacre.”

I should start this story by clearing Evelyn’s good name. She was at her friend’s birthday during all of the events that I am about to describe. Rachel was gone as well- Christmas shopping until it was time to get Ev. That left me at home alone with Adalie, Jackson, and Maren.

It was supposed to be quiet time, but they were all playing downstairs very nicely with each other, and I thought that separating them would entail more work on my part than just letting them play. Besides, I was busy playing the guitar, and trying to enforce quiet time would surely take me away from my music. And so I decided to let them stay downstairs in the playroom. This is also a good place to mention that the playroom closet is also the place where we keep our food storage. We keep the closet door locked, and it has never been a problem…until now.

Well, as they say- time flies when you’re having fun. And those who know me will understand that playing my guitar is one of my favorite pastimes. And so I played for a full hour-and-a-half without ever looking up. It was only when I took a break to get a drink of water that I looked at the clock and realized that I had not heard anything from our children this entire time. I smiled and thought about what good kids they were. Being the awesome dad that I am, I decided that it would be cool if I went down and invited them to watch a Christmas movie with me. That would be good ‘kid time.’

Now usually after this much time, I will go downstairs expecting to see a mess. Our kids are creative and imaginative, and they will frequently make forts, roads, stores, etc. out of our basement. I don’t mind this, and I normally encourage this sort of play. For this reason, was surprised when I got down the stairs to see everything in its perfectly clean and untouched condition. It was almost as if the kids weren't even here. I could hear happy voices coming from the play room though, although the door was shut. This was a bit unusual.

I opened the door.

… … … …

There are very few times when I don’t have anything to say. This was one of them. I just looked around in shocked silence. And then I looked at each of our kids. And then they looked at me. And without any more provocation that this, they started crying and slowly made their way to their rooms to put themselves in time out.

I let them go (although I did make a mental note to spend some time pondering the deeper psychological implications of their response to my sudden arrival and subsequent silence). I then assessed the damage.

It was complete- in a completely bad, catastrophic sort of way.

Someone (probably Jack, since he is smarter when it comes to mischief making) had figured out how to stack toys up to the point where they could jimmy the lock on the storage room closet. It then appeared that they had systematically gone through each individual item and, if they could, opened it and poured it on the floor. Thankfully, the canned goods were impervious to little hands. Everything else perished. And I mean EVERYTHING.

Flour, sugar, mashed potatoes, rice, beans, oatmeal, gravy, taco seasoning, spices, noodles, etc. - all were spread across the floor in a chaotic (and almost artistic) rendering of- well, of nothing. Of a mess. That’s all. Just one, big, ugly, expensive mess.

And this brings me to our vacuum. This was a job that only the toughest machine could handle. And it did so with an aptitude and skill that can only be matched by the aptitude of my children for creating the need for such a machine. It was almost as if the vacuum developed a personality- a determination not to be beat. It did not discriminate- everything from flour to large plastic dominos was easily swallowed up into its patented wind tunnel of a body. I was especially thankful for the ease of emptying the canister, as it was completely filled a full four-and-a-half times before the carpet was clean. I also have to praise the suction strength and ease of use regarding the detachable hose, since it was needed to reach into all the nooks and crannys of the room. Finally, I must recognize the machine for its efficiency. In less than five minutes I had completely undone the mess that had taken several focused and devoted child-hours to create. Yes, our vacuum is good at what it does.

And now I guess we better just hope that we don’t need food storage any time soon, because it is going to take a long, long time before our kids are able to replace everything that was lost.

But I guess that is what I get for not putting them in quiet time.

PS: To those who wonder- our kids went to bed that night after spending a good two hours cleaning without any help. Also, the “toy fairy” visited our home- a malevolent winged creature who steals toys from irresponsible children to give them to kids who will appreciate them more.

PPS: Also, for those who wonder- we have a Hoover WindTunnel T-Series Rewind Upright Vacuum, which can be purchased from Amazon for 99.00 and free shipping.

Us and our wonderful kids in our Sunday best before church