A Letter From Our Kids

Dear Mom,

First of all, we wanted to let you know what a great Mom you are. We can tell that you are really trying hard and we have learned a lot of important things from you. Sometimes, however, it seems that the image you project of us to others isn’t totally reflective of reality (at least not how we see it). While we are usually really good kids (and you tell us as much), reading your blog sometimes seems like it is meant to be the strongest form of birth control available. We, as your offspring, are concerned that there is a disconnect here. Since we have experienced so much happiness within the context of our family, we just want to make sure that this joy is not diminished by colorful accounts of our more embarrassing moments.

So as not to offend, we are writing this letter to you in a way that accentuates some of the most positive aspects of your parenting. At the same time, however, we make an attempt to demonstrate how these same aspects can sometimes lead to natural conflicts-of-interest between our development and your desire for an orderly home. Almost consistently, however, you have put our needs above your own, and have not allowed yourself to slack on the parenting in favor of a temporary and imaginary picture of the perfect family.

First of all, we wanted to thank you for having all of us so close together. We don’t know of very many families who have had 4 kids in 5 years (with one on the way as well), and we understand that things can get a little bit out of hand sometimes. We are sure that you understood this as you planned your family, but you chose to have us anyway. Well, we just wanted to let you know that it is working. We are all extremely close friends with each other, and we are establishing strong family ties now that will last for the rest of our lives. We love to play with each other, but I know that sometimes we get caught up in a “groupthink” mentality, and we apologize for the times when it leads to bad outcomes. Please cut us a little slack- we’re kids. We say this not by way of excuse, but as a reality check for you. Seriously, go and find a parent with a young child and ask her if it ever gets frustrating. Now, multiply that frustration by four. Stuff happens- and with more of us around, plus the ability we have to play off of each other, a lot more stuff is going to happen than you might see in a family with fewer and more spread apart children. I hope that you can see, Mom, that this is understandable (although not excusable), and that the strong relationships that we have with each other are more important than a few frustrating days every now and then.

Next, we wanted to thank you for instilling within us a sense of creativity. We seriously feel sorry for some of our peers who do not know how to play because they have fallen victim to the “screen trap.” So many of them are incapable of thinking of fun things to do without a tv, computer, or video game to guide them. Consequentially, they are being influenced by their world way more often than they are having and influence on it. We, on the other hand, are already learning valuable lessons about how we can bring about change in our surroundings in order to make them more desirable for us. Sometimes, however, what is desirable to a 3 year-old is not the same thing that is desirable to a 30 year old. But only sometimes. We understand that you are bigger and stronger and smarter than we are, and it would be easy for you to force things to be your way all the time. But you don’t. And as your children, we see this as one of the best things about you. By letting us do things sometimes without interference, we are gaining confidence in ourselves that will carry through into adulthood. This, to us, is worth getting in trouble every once in a while for accidently taking things too far.

Another thing that we see you doing is teaching us how to engage our critical thinking skills, even at this young age. You have raised us all to have extremely inquisitive minds, and to question nearly everything. Further, you have taught us that we can discover answers to these questions for ourselves, and that sometimes this process involves experimentation/exploration of the unknown. We know many, many parents who are scared to allow their children to engage in this sort of behavior. Unfortunately, we have seen their siblings grow up to a state of paralysis when it comes to intelligent decision making, leading them to look constantly for external sources to dictate to them how to live their lives. And we can understand how such a life, while it may be easier and even safer, cannot be lived as fully as one in which the individual takes control for themselves. So thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We know that by giving us these important skills and attitudes, you are relinquishing an enormous amount of control. But as we learn how to use these tools of inquiry, we know that we will be better equipped to make proper judgments about our world when nobody else is there to guide us.

With this, we also feel the need to issue an apology. Since we are just learning, we sometimes investigate our surroundings in a way that may seem destructive to those who already know the answers to our questions (one example we can think of is when we were putting rocks in the air conditioner). We understand this, and we understand that you could make your own life a lot easier by simply quashing our natural tendencies to investigate our surroundings. But you don’t. Instead you let us discover, and explore, and experiment, even if it means that things get broken sometimes. But don’t worry- we are starting to understand that the natural consequence of breaking things is that we have to buy new things, and that this can be extremely expensive (in terms of toys). Consequentially, we have begun to be a lot more cognizant of our experimental methods- A quick glance into the playroom reveals that our R&D budget is starting to look pretty skimpy.  

Finally, we want to thank you for allowing us to experience natural consequences. Rarely do we show you this sort of gratitude in the moment, but just know that we understand that it is not always easy for you to do. When we refuse to bring a coat to the park, for example, even when you tell us we should, you have shown love to us by allowing us to go cold. Consequentially, we have seen you endure not only whining from our own self-imposed misery, but judgmental looks from other adults as well. But we understand that you will never allow anything really bad to happen to us, and that by teaching us these important lessons we now have intrinsic reasons to do things rather than simply following rules that don’t make any sense to us. Because of your teaching, we have also begun to learn how to project our actions into the future, making educated guesses about what the probable outcome would be before any action is even taken. This, we feel, is an important life skill to learn, and is worth a few bumps or scrapes every now and again. So, thank you.

In closing, we want to let you know how good you are doing as a mom. The very fact that you are trying so hard stands out to us as an example of what a good mom is. That does not go unnoticed.

With Love,

-Evelyn, Adalie, Jackson, and Maren (Your little loinfruits)  J