Dear Mom,
First of all, we wanted to let you know what a great Mom you
are. We can tell that you are really trying hard and we have learned a lot of
important things from you. Sometimes, however, it seems that the image you
project of us to others isn’t totally reflective of reality (at least not how
we see it). While we are usually really good kids (and you tell us as much), reading
your blog sometimes seems like it is meant to be the strongest form of birth
control available. We, as your offspring, are concerned that there is a disconnect
here. Since we have experienced so much happiness within the context of our
family, we just want to make sure that this joy is not diminished by colorful
accounts of our more embarrassing moments.
So as not to offend, we are writing this letter to you in a
way that accentuates some of the most positive aspects of your parenting. At
the same time, however, we make an attempt to demonstrate how these same aspects
can sometimes lead to natural conflicts-of-interest between our development and
your desire for an orderly home. Almost consistently, however, you have put our
needs above your own, and have not allowed yourself to slack on the parenting
in favor of a temporary and imaginary picture of the perfect family.
First of all, we wanted to thank you for having all of us so
close together. We don’t know of very many families who have had 4 kids in 5
years (with one on the way as well), and we understand that things can get a
little bit out of hand sometimes. We are sure that you understood this as you
planned your family, but you chose to have us anyway. Well, we just wanted to
let you know that it is working. We are all extremely close friends with each
other, and we are establishing strong family ties now that will last for the
rest of our lives. We love to play with each other, but I know that sometimes
we get caught up in a “groupthink” mentality, and we apologize for the times
when it leads to bad outcomes. Please cut us a little slack- we’re kids. We say
this not by way of excuse, but as a reality check for you. Seriously, go and
find a parent with a young child and ask her if it ever gets frustrating. Now,
multiply that frustration by four. Stuff happens- and with more of us around,
plus the ability we have to play off of each other, a lot more stuff is going
to happen than you might see in a family with fewer and more spread apart children.
I hope that you can see, Mom, that this is understandable (although not
excusable), and that the strong relationships that we have with each other are
more important than a few frustrating days every now and then.
Next, we wanted to thank you for instilling within us a
sense of creativity. We seriously feel sorry for some of our peers who do not
know how to play because they have fallen victim to the “screen trap.” So many
of them are incapable of thinking of fun things to do without a tv, computer,
or video game to guide them. Consequentially, they are being influenced by their world way more often than they
are having and influence on it. We,
on the other hand, are already learning valuable lessons about how we can bring
about change in our surroundings in order to make them more desirable for us.
Sometimes, however, what is desirable to a 3 year-old is not the same thing
that is desirable to a 30 year old. But only sometimes. We understand that you
are bigger and stronger and smarter than we are, and it would be easy for you to
force things to be your way all the time. But you don’t. And as your children,
we see this as one of the best things about you. By letting us do things
sometimes without interference, we are gaining confidence in ourselves that
will carry through into adulthood. This, to us, is worth getting in trouble
every once in a while for accidently taking things too far.
Another thing that we see you doing is teaching us how to
engage our critical thinking skills, even at this young age. You have raised us
all to have extremely inquisitive minds, and to question nearly everything.
Further, you have taught us that we can discover answers to these questions for
ourselves, and that sometimes this process involves experimentation/exploration
of the unknown. We know many, many parents who are scared to allow their
children to engage in this sort of behavior. Unfortunately, we have seen their
siblings grow up to a state of paralysis when it comes to intelligent decision
making, leading them to look constantly for external sources to dictate to them
how to live their lives. And we can understand how such a life, while it may be
easier and even safer, cannot be lived as fully as one in which the individual
takes control for themselves. So thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We
know that by giving us these important skills and attitudes, you are
relinquishing an enormous amount of control. But as we learn how to use these
tools of inquiry, we know that we will be better equipped to make proper judgments
about our world when nobody else is there to guide us.
With this, we also feel the need to issue an apology. Since
we are just learning, we sometimes investigate our surroundings in a way that
may seem destructive to those who already know the answers to our questions (one
example we can think of is when we were putting rocks in the air conditioner). We
understand this, and we understand that you could make your own life a lot
easier by simply quashing our natural tendencies to investigate our
surroundings. But you don’t. Instead you let us discover, and explore, and
experiment, even if it means that things get broken sometimes. But don’t worry-
we are starting to understand that the natural consequence of breaking things
is that we have to buy new things, and that this can be extremely expensive (in
terms of toys). Consequentially, we have begun to be a lot more cognizant of
our experimental methods- A quick glance into the playroom reveals that our
R&D budget is starting to look pretty skimpy.
Finally, we want to thank you for allowing us to experience
natural consequences. Rarely do we show you this sort of gratitude in the
moment, but just know that we understand that it is not always easy for you to
do. When we refuse to bring a coat to the park, for example, even when you tell
us we should, you have shown love to us by allowing us to go cold.
Consequentially, we have seen you endure not only whining from our own self-imposed
misery, but judgmental looks from other adults as well. But we understand that
you will never allow anything really
bad to happen to us, and that by teaching us these important lessons we now have
intrinsic reasons to do things rather than simply following rules that don’t
make any sense to us. Because of your teaching, we have also begun to learn how
to project our actions into the future, making educated guesses about what the
probable outcome would be before any action is even taken. This, we feel, is an
important life skill to learn, and is worth a few bumps or scrapes every now
and again. So, thank you.
In closing, we want to let you know how good you are doing
as a mom. The very fact that you are trying so hard stands out to us as an example
of what a good mom is. That does not go unnoticed.
With Love,
-Evelyn, Adalie, Jackson, and Maren (Your little loinfruits) J
