The Hazard Chronicles

If you are a mom or a dad, or a grandma or grandpa, or a kid or a teacher, or have ever been a kid once upon a time, then you have probably, at some point, read this book. It is a classic. Here is an excerpt:

The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "this kid is driving me CRAZY!"

I have something to say to the mom in this book- come stay at our house for one hour and then you will realize how easy you really have it. I mean, honestly, how easy would it be if there was only one child to keeps tabs on? And a two-year-old at that! Seriously- put the books up high, lock all the closets, don't leave your watch laying around, and close the bathroom door. Problem solved- these are easy solutions. See, when she comes to our house she will immediately realize that she is way, WAY out of her league.

Here is the story that we would tell:

Once upon a time, a mom had a one-year-old. And a three-year-old. And another three-year-old. And a conniving too-smart-for-her-own-good five-year-old. This mom did everything right, but the kids made a plan. This plan was carefully constructed to expose the enemies weakness. They called it the "Hazard Child Reign of Terror," and it was highly effective.

First, the two three-year-olds threw rocks and pillows at the pictures that were hanging up downstairs until they fell off the wall. They then proceeded to break them apart (also with rocks) and spread the pieces around the room. Thus, having successfully created a barrier of glass shards around themselves, they feel safe in taking a box of crayons to the windows, walls, television, and handcrafted furniture. Phase 1: complete.

Enter the five-year-old. She comes and tells mom and dad what is going on downstairs. When the parents go to investigate, she quickly sneaks into her parents room (which she knows is off-limits), gets a chair, and takes her dad's really nice electric guitar. She quickly drags the instrument outside and promptly and deliberately drops it off the deck, permanently breaking it along with a small portion of her father's heart. Phase 2: complete.

Dad is too shocked and upset to give any sort of level-headed discipline right now, so mom goes out to pick up the shattered remains of the guitar. Unfortunately, three-year-old "A" beats her to the prize, and defends it fiercely by wielding a large stick and threatening to hit his mother if she gets too close. The five-year-old, in the meantime, is loudly proclaiming her innocence in the whole affair. Unable to manage both children at once, mom calls for back-up. This succeeds in getting both parents outside. Phase 3: complete.

While Mom and Dad are thus occupied, three-year-old "B" quickly runs back upstairs, into her parents room, and hides under their bed. While there, she sees Mom and Dad's fireproof safe with all their important stuff in in. A smile starts to form.  Doing some quick calculations, she decides that her parents will be occupied long enough to give her the time she needs to carry out her task. Just to be sure, however, she goes out to the kitchen, gets a chair, and unlocks the pantry. She then opens all the doors to the bathroom, and calls the one-year-old in for her part. Only then does she go back into the parent's room, lock herself in, and begin looking for a key.

Meanwhile, three-year-old "A" and five-year-old mastermind have successfully detained their parents in the back yard by inserting small rocks into the central-air conditioning unit until it no longer functions. Thus occupied, Mom and Dad are not even aware of anything going on in the house until they see the one-year-old come out onto the deck, soaking wet and holding a toilet plunger. They run inside only to find that the kitchen pantry has been emptied, as well as the entire contents of all the bathrooms. Oh- and Mom's brand new cell-phone is sitting at the bottom of a toilet, kept company by several toys, Dad's electric toothbrush, and a large white onion. 

Mom and Dad decide to put all children into their rooms- except that three-year-old "B" has mysteriously gone missing. And then they find her, sitting atop a pile of "treasures" that were once safely secured under the bed. Many of the papers are colored on or torn, including the title to their new car, Dad's college diploma from BYU, and his Idaho Dental License. Mom and dad have had it. The put the kids in their rooms and lock the doors so that they can clean the mess and regain some of their sanity. Phase 4: complete.

Now that the kids have ensured their privacy (Mom and Dad don't want anything to do with them at this point), they begin to work on their windows. First come the blinds, in pieces. Then the glass. Then the screens. Freedom, sweet freedom. Phase 5: complete.

After about a half hour, Mom and Dad have finally pieced the house together. They sit on the couch and rub their temples, trying to hold on to whatever remnants of sanity might still remain. Then they note that the house is actually pretty quiet. Very quiet, in fact. They relish the silence for just a half second until they realize that the house is too quiet to be natural. They share a look of dread and start rushing downstairs to check on the children, but are stopped by a knock on the door.

When they open the door, they see their neighbor standing there. Behind them are their three children. Naked. Stark naked. "I found your kids playing in my front yard. I though you might want them back," he says. He then rolls his eyes and gives a look of disgust as the parents usher them all back into the house. As he leaves, he mutters under his breath that he can take care of his (only) child- why can't they do the same.

Later that night after the kids were sentenced to hard manual labor and solitary confinement...

It is 10:30. All the kids are asleep. Finally. Before retiring to their bed, the mom and the dad both go in and see their children asleep in their rooms. They aren't nearly as scary when they're sleeping. Each child gets a gentle kiss, a warm smile, and a tight hug. Despite the day's events, Mom and Dad go to bed supremely happy that God has blessed them with four such amazing children.

The End.


PS: This story pretty much sums up our week.

We also had Addy and Jack's birthday party on Friday. Unfortunately, they got a hold of the camera and erased all the pictures. Just know that there have been brief- very brief- moments of peace and harmony scattered throughout this crazy week.